It’s now been four months since I quit and I am for the first time feeling a bit restless. When I decided to take a break and find out what it is I want to do I set September as a deadline. I realize now that I should not have done that, as that’s only making me more nervous.
Why a deadline? Because eventually money will run out. And although I have been super well-behaved, budget wise, it’s time to start thinking about getting a paycheck.
I don’t mean to say I am giving up – how could I? I have barely started – but I will have to find a way to pay the bills, whilst on this journey.
At times I feel a bit guilty, guilty for not knowing exactly what is I want to be doing. Though I guess it’s fair to say I am not as utterly lost as I was when I quit. I know a bit more about myself now, I learned about things I like to do, things I may even have a talent to do, I learned about things I don’t want to do, I’ve met interesting people and learned how there’s so many more ways of making an honest living than the 9 to 5 job. Still, despite this bringing some peace to my mind, I’m feeling restless today.
Because I really want to find out that thing, that thing that I’ll love to do and will make me happy. This will sound weird (probably losing my marbles here), but in a way it’s like I can almost see it, like I’m nearly nearly there, but there’s a small gap, a blocking of some sort, a closed lock, that I can’t unravel, that I can’t open. It’s as if all I need now is my lightning bulb moment, like all the ideas are there but for some strange reason I can’t access it. I am honestly considering creating my own lightening bulb moment. C’mon a bit of electricity can’t hurt! (Please note this is a joke. I will never electrocute myself on purpose). I know, I’d make an excellent psychiatric research case.
On days like this there’s a few things that can cheer me up: Chocolate (but I’m still recovering from some bad chicken, so no); Disney movies (might do that later); Oprah inspiration classes (seen a few, not helping today) and the Sunscreen speech. You know the sunscreen speech right? If not you have to check it out (below you’ll find one of the versions. Cheesy one with loads of cheesy pictures. You’re welcome).
It’s an essay by Mary Schmich published on the Chicago tribune, that was later turned into a song by Buz Luhrmann, where she wondered what it would be like if she’d gave a graduation speech. It turned out to be the most brilliant speech ever. It’s soothing, it puts all things into perspective, and somehow makes me feel much better. I have more friends that share this opinion, so I’m not that cuckoo. I have different favorite bits, depending on my mood, today this one is my favourite bit:
“Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t”
And just like that the restlessness disappears as I realize ‘I must be awesome ‘cause I never had a clue’. Haha if only. But to be honest, I do feel much better now.
To be fair, now that I look at things in a better light, I’ve had a few ideas, it’s the planning that seems to get in the way. Never liked that, planning is just not my thing. So from now on I’ll just do it. Got an idea? Great, don’t think twice, go for it.
I can’t call it an ‘apple fall from the tree equals gravity’ moment but I kind of know what my next step will be now. Kind of. Oh well, lots of work ahead, only a few more weeks till deadline so better enjoy now.
I hope the post didn’t depress you, if so please ignore it and just watch the sunscreen speech. I promise it will be a ‘chocolate-like’ effect. Also I promise tomorrow I’ll be all bubbly again, it’s probably just the bad chicken talking.